


Death by Toast

by shadow_Mage



Series: The Quirks Perks and Pitfalls of being a descendant of Sparda [2]
Category: Devil May Cry
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, Nero uses profanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27209437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow_Mage/pseuds/shadow_Mage
Summary: When boredom strikes, Dante pursues science much to Vergil's displeasure.
Series: The Quirks Perks and Pitfalls of being a descendant of Sparda [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1836775
Comments: 1
Kudos: 20





	Death by Toast

Vergil walked quietly next to his son. Nero on the other hand was quite animated as he talked about their recent hunt. He was filled with enthusiasm and in a way reminded Vergil of what a younger Dante might have been like if he we not such an idiot. He smiled softly as Nero described bringing down the largest demon in a most spectacular way.

“And then...”

“Yes Nero, I was there.”

The young man blinked lowering his hands, “Way to spoil my grand finale!”

Vergil snorted while nodding his head, “My apologies, continue.”

Nero grinned spinning away from him, “Nah, ya ruined it.”

“Your skill is much improved. You should be pleased with your kill.”

“Yeah, whatever. At least, Nico was thrilled I left most of it intact for her weird science project. Sorry for having to walk home.” His son glanced over his shoulder a soft blush coming from the compliment. His father didn’t often offer those. 

“I have enjoyed our walk. It was no trouble.” Vergil gave a sigh narrowing his eyes to look down the alley at the office.

“What? You sense trouble?” Vergil couldn’t help but be proud that his son noticed the small change in his demeanor. He was more attuned to his surroundings than his brother. Something he took pride in believing he took after him despite his absence in his youth.

“I just sense your idiot uncle.”

“Come on he’s not really an idiot.”

“If you say so.”

“Well, unless you account for the fact that he is unpredictable when he is bored.”

“No, he is rather predictable. He bothers me. Incessantly.”

Now it was Nero’s turn to snort in humor. “Just like ole times, I suppose.”

“Yes, I had hoped, however, that he would outgrow that rather annoying trait.”

The pair traded a few short stories about the Legendary Hunter as they continued to the office. To their surprise, they found the office quiet but oddly riddled with toast to the floor and several pairs of boots including Nero’s backup hunting boots also sprawled to the floor.

“What the hell?” Nero bent to examine the toast only to find it slathered with what looked like grape jelly. He frowned. “Jelly?”

“I stand corrected. Your uncle is indeed unpredictable but he is still an idiot.”

“But I thought he had a job today too? And what the hell are those my boots?” He stepped over several pieces of toast to examine his boots that had an odd pattern of duct tape pieces on them. Vergil tread carefully into the office. The distinct smell of burnt toast and jelly was pervasive.

It was at the very moment Vergil debated putting his brother out of his misery of obviously insane behavior that the man was heard to be banging around in the kitchen. The staccato sound of what could not be mistaken for anything other than a toaster or plural toasters popping up their toasted rectangles that caused both men to stare toward the kitchen. They then listened to the distinct sound of a knife scrapping the toast and then the clatter of metal to glass. Then there was the odd sound of ripping duct tape. IN confusion the pair looke at each other and then back to the kitchen door.

Still oblivious to their arrival, Dante strode from the back a plate of prepared toast in one hand and his old pair of boots in the other. Seeing his bare feet Nero snickered but acknowledged he did see Dante’s other boots amongst the toast carnage with the same weird tape marks.

“Uh, Dante?”

“Oh, hey kid you’re just in time for my experiment.”

“Experiment? What in Heaven or Hell are you trying to determine with toast and my jelly?”

“Oh, hey Verge. You were almost out anyway.”

“Wait? That jar was half full!”

“Pfftt... Ya big baby. I’m doing science. You can get more.” He pushed past his glowering brother and set the plate and boots to the desk. “Ok. Now watch.”

Dante then picked up a piece of jellied toast and Vergil frowned. His brother was also using his whole grain sprouted bread for his blasphemous experiment. “That is also my bread.”

“Waaah, just watch.” He then held the toast flat in his hand and tossed it in the air. Predictably it flew with the grace of a flightless bird and splat to the floor. “See face down. Every...” he threw another piece, “Single...” and another, “Time”.

“That is wasteful and ridiculous.” Nero snorted bending to pick up his boots.

“I am not cleaning this up.”

“Shut it Verge. This is science. Hey kid, help me out. Throw your boot.” A flicker passed between father and son and Nero shrugged throwing his boot.

Thawp! “Ow, not at me stupid at the... oh hey, never mind... see it lands on the sole. Now throw the other one.” He held his hands up. “Not at me!” Vergil snorted at that despite lamenting the loaf of bread and jelly littered across their floor.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake Dante!”

“Just do it!” Nero threw his boot and it landed upright again. “See, now watch this.” Dante turned and picked up his boot and tossed it. It too landed on its sole, although the shaft of the boot bent to the side in the despair Vergil imagined his toast felt at being wasted.

“See, sole down. Every time. So, what if I tape the toast to the boot. What do you think will happen?”

“You get jelly on your boots. Wait did you get jelly on my boots?” He hurriedly looked them over while pulling the tape off.

“You prove yourself an idiot,” Vergil grumbled.

Dante swiveled his head between them and chuffed. “No, and yeah but don’t spoil it. Shut it Vergil. I thought for sure you’d appreciate my pursuit of science.”

“I would appreciate coming home once to find the office not riddled with bullets, packing peanuts, silly string or my toast because of your boredom!”

“Geez, Verge way to be a stick in the mud.” He looked back at Nero with his hallmark grin.

“You taped toast to my boots?” Of course, he did. Nero was seriously debating many life choices right now.

“It’s for science, stop pouting they’re fine, okay.” He produced his own boot replete with toast taped to the top. “So, what do you think will happen if I throw this boot? Toast down or sole down. Which comic force will win?”

“What?” Nero was horrified that he ever stood up for the red oaf now standing before him grinning like a maniacal monkey. Perhaps he’d taken one to many hits.

Vergil on the other hand face palmed himself with a loud groan. “We are NOT related. I will never believe it.”

“First it’s not some mystical cosmic force. It’s physics or gravity or something. Stop being weird. Dude I used to look up to you.”

“Then watch and be amazed. I’ve discovered a new cosmic force, jelly! Wooo.” He chucked the boot in the air and as it flew toe over heel in slow motion, thanks to his quicksilver ability, it fell toward the ground. Unsurprisingly, the boot orientated itself to fall sole down as suddenly upon impact the toast tore itself from its bonds of duct tape and landed face down several inches from the upright boot. “See? The toast always lands face down. I’ve tried this over thirty times taping the toast on various points of the boot. Same results. Toast lands jelly face down.” Nero blinked in surprise and started to chuckle at the sheer childlike glee at which his uncle proclaimed his findings, but he quickly noted the change of temperature and excused himself to grab a bucket and mop. Anything to be out of the eminent kill box.

“Uh, kid? Where ya...”

“That was an entire loaf of bread!” roared Vergil.

“Science requires sacrifice, bro!”

When Nico showed up an hour later, Dante still hung on the wall covered in jelly, blood, and little summoned skewers of toast. Nero lifted from the desk gathering his coat.

“Oh hey, glad ya could swing by.”

“Uh... should I ask?” She thumbed towards the wall.

“No” “Nope,” They responded simultaneously. Dante groaned in pain but otherwise remained silent.

Vergil lifted his eyes from his tome and smiled, “You’ll appreciate this, Nicolette. It’s an experiment... for science.”

She opened her mouth then abruptly closed it. Nero snickered patting her on the shoulder as he turned her back toward the door to leave. “Good choice. I’ll explain in the van. Good night dad. Later Dante.” He couldn’t look at Dante directly without chuckling, so he threw him a wave as he scampered toward the door. As he stepped outside, he motioned Nico down the stairs. He then turned on the stair and caught Dante’s eye giving him a wink. “Viva la toast!” He yelled as he slammed the door before the summoned swords could reach him.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I saw the Tik Tok and thought of this.


End file.
